You Can't Help Anybody

Help is not something you give—it’s something someone chooses to take. You can offer time, tools, advice, patience, even sacrifice, but none of it becomes help unless the other person decides to use it. I have lost people because they would not make that choice. Not because there was nothing available to them, but because they refused to reach for it. 

When somebody in our life needs help, most people's instinct will go to help them, and people will do what they can to “save” these people in their life; but you cannot save them, you can offer your help—inevitably it's their own decision to make, and you'd love to help the people you care about, but you cannot. This isn't to say that you're wrong in your attempt to help them, your offering, and you are capable of giving the resources, but if they choose not to take those resources, it isn't your fault. 

This thought process can be sad, you have no way of helping the people you love though their struggle, and you could lose them, and have no ability to do anything about it; this isn't sad, this isn't bad at all; this shows that you need to set boundaries, let go of your attempt at control, and to love with understanding that you aren't capable of changing their decisions. 

The first step after realizing you can’t help anybody, is to let go of your control, if you keep trying to force somebody to change, you'll end up hurting both of you; you will hurt yourself by expending too much, and you will hurt the other in putting a harmful pressure on them, and a controlling force, which can pull them away from yourself.

The second step to take after realizing this reality is to set boundaries, most people believe that if you keep trying harder, eventually it will work—this isn't correct, the truth is that they can take or or they cannot, your decisions doesn't change a choice they make, no matter if they claim they want to get better, or not. So you need to learn when to stop helping; it isn't helping at all, you're spending your energy and hurting yourself for somebody who refuses to get better. 

You have zero control over anybody getting better, you only have the control to make sure that you don't make the same mistakes that the others in your life do. You may not be able to help your loved ones, but you can take the resources given to you, and you can even take the resources that you give to yourself. 

Don't stop giving other resources, but understand how to set boundaries when you need to, and take care of yourself; it's the only thing you can do. Don't feel guilt when somebody makes decisions out of your control—love yourself just as much as everybody else, understanding this, and practicing it is the best way you can show that you can love yourself as much as everybody else.